chaos to spare

Whatcha Gonna Do?

2012-01-27T15:27:00.000-08:00

Lastnight, prompted by an incident in our area, we had a brush-up on our “stranger-danger”conversation. It was at that time that Ramona felt it necessary to declare herintentions should any bad guy attempt any of his (or her) bad guy intentions.The Dude, I do not believe, was prepared for our child’s response:

“Well,Daddy…I will just kick him in the balls.”

Mydear husband told her that wasn’t the course of action she should take with anybad guys. The first item of business is the scream as loud as you can and thenRUN. Run as fast as you possibly can.

“Ok.But if he grabs me, Daddy…I will kick him in the balls.”

Onceagain, the focus was turned to running away, because who knows if a bad guy hasa weapon, etc. I could hear the impatience in my husband’s voice as it was waypast her bedtime and he wanted to make sure this nine year old child knew thatthe safest course of action was to run away. However, it was clear to us all howunimportant our directions were when this dear, sweet, thug of a child exclaims:

“DAD.I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO KICK A BAD GUY IN THE BALLS.”

Atthat point, there’s really nothing more to be said.

Watchout, Bad Guys.

Happy Thankful

2012-01-14T00:27:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you just need to write down how thankful and happy you are. So you can remember such things when the going gets rough or it feels like nothing is going your way.

I am thankful.
I am happy.

Life is good.

2011? Meet 2012. Get Cozy.

2011-12-30T13:35:00.000-08:00

On 12/31/10, I sat around the table with some of the bestpeople ever and made goals for the year. We weren’t making resolutions, justgoals and plans that we wanted to see happen this year. Some of these goalswere very broad…but there were some that were very specific and detailed. Lifethrew some curve balls, and some plans had to change or not happen, but I’mamazed at how much I could check off that list.

And you know what? I’m not sure that I’ve ever looked back on a year with suchawe. I can’t believe that we packed so much in to one year.

There are some items on this list that will need to carryover to next year. They are too important to me to just ignore. I justcouldn’t make them happen this year. And I'm okay with that.

But 2011…2011 was…full, my friends. And I love that I justwent through my calendar and remembered all the good that happened. And yes, I’mreally going to tell you about it. BECAUSE I CAN. Because I want to rememberhow full and great 2011 was.

January

I went to my 1st (and probably last) biker bar wedding. Sostrange and, well…fun.
Being there for the birth of my niece. BLEW MY EVER-LOVINGMIND. Amazing.

February

Beezus got braces. Finally.
Best Mt. Shasta/Snow trip with my family and parents.WeSTILL talk about that trip.

March

A big group of us went to a hockey game and had an absoluteblast.
A weekend getaway with my husband and some good friends toSan Francisco. Ate way to much. Had SUCH a good time.

April

Lots of softball, friends. LOTS of softball.
Ramona turned 9. NINE! It boggles the mind still!
Wonderful day hike with the family
I turned 30-something. Quick...someone remind me how oldI am.

May

LOTS OF SOFTBALL. Yowsa.

June

Have I mentioned how much time was spent around softball for those girls?
Beezus graduated 8^th grade! (Oh, how did thishappen? Who let that kid grow up?!)
Wasatch Back – Ragnar Relay. We rocked it, if I do say somyself. Or maybe we’re just proud we didn’t die.
Ramona went away to camp for the first time. Related: Ispent a week with my heart living outside my body.

July

The end of softball! But the start of soccer!
The Dude and I threw a wicked-awesome wedding shower for mybrother in-law/new sister in-law. Yes, I’m still damn proud of that party.WORKED SO HARD. IT WAS PRETTY. I’M GONNA KEEP TALKING ABOUT IT NEXT YEAR.

August

Welcome to soccer season in full force!
Instead of celebrating a baby shower, we were on pins andneedles as my nephew joined this world a bit early. 4.5 lbs makes an auntie/familynervous!
Ramona starts 4^th grade!
Beezus starts high school and turns 14! Holy crap!

September

New job...NEW JOB NEW JOB! (Lucky shirt worked!)
Oh yeah…I’ve been training! Not well…but I’ve been training!
Wedding prep. So much to do.
Soccer! Lots of soccer!
Napa Ragnar Relay…and had so much fun. It was the firstevent for The Dude. Had so much fun with our team. BROUGHT THE COWBELL. (Our team name: I Need More Cowbell.)

October

The Wedding. (Yes, the capitalization is necessary.)

(And because of The Wedding) Visiting family from Mexico! Can’t even begin to tell youhow much fun it was to have them here.
Soccer! Now with more soccer!
Oh, what was that? A marathon? YES I DID. 26.2 to celebratea certain special birthday. Couldn’t walk for a week, but I did it. We did it. And proud of it.

November

14 years married to The Dude. We celebrated by taking thekids out to dinner. WHICH WAS AWESOME. I have such a good time with my cute little family. (We had a blast…seriously.)
Lots of soccer. But you knew that.
Got comfortable with my inner-Eleanor.
Went to some caves with the kid. Stressed me right the hell out, but she LOVED that I was there with her.
Thanksgiving!

December

End of soccer!! (We celebrated.)
Lots of time with the best friends a girl could ask for.
A kick-ass company party.
A new address.
Spent a fantastic Christmas with my cute family.

Yeah...of course there were ups and downs like always. There were some pretty heavy dealings. There were things that were no fun at all. And, if I'm being honest, there were times this year that I really didn't have any idea how I was going to get everything done. And I didn't. There are things still undone right now. But I'm so grateful for how everything has turned out. I'm so pleased that 2011 is ending on such a very high note.

I have big plans for 2012. And I know that all won't go as I want it to, but choosing to plan, to look forward...to be happy? THAT is what I'm looking forward to. We all know the drill...it won't be easy, but it will totally be worth it.

Happy New Year, everyone!

Holiday Honesty

2011-12-29T16:07:00.000-08:00

It’spretty interesting how much I don’t talk about my in-laws anymore on thisbloggy thing. Especially since I do believe they are precisely why I startedblogging in the first place many moons ago. A couple different websites later,and there are a lot of untold stories. Where my blog used to by my free in-law-survivaltherapy, I now try to make it more about my immediate family. Focus more on thepositive, maybe?

Iwish I didn’t feel shame or embarrassment when admitting that I’ve shared thesame roof with my in-laws for the past several years. What started out ashelping one another out, turned into something rather…unpleasant. In my brain, Iknow that these past years have allowed my family to come out on top and betterour future. With a bit of a “backwards” start to our life together, we had to “startover” and make a better life for our girls. For our family. But my heart and mypride make me think about all the un-fun stuff. I really need to be okay withthe fact that past several years were absolutely ok. Even if it wasn’t ideal,we’re starting a new little adventure for our cute little family.

Ittook a lot of humility, sacrifice and biting my tongue too many times to countto get where we are today. I know that where we are today is exactly where weneed to be. Even if that means that we moved to our new home the week of Christmas.

Andboy, did we ever move the week of Christmas. And we did it well, my friends.(If I do say so myself.)

Wehave a lot to be proud of. And I am proud of right now…and I will be proud of thepast several years. It just might take me a little bit.

WhatI do know, is that we’ve been at the new house for about a week now. And I wishI could explain how lovely it has been. We’ve worked hard. We’ve gone to bedsuper late and woken up very early. We’ve painted, and packed and moved…andlittle by little, this new little house is becoming this little home. And this little home has lots oflove. Which is quite delightful, indeed.

HappyHolidays everyone. 2011 has been busy, lovely, awesome...and, of course, full of chaos.

Much peace, joy and love to all of you.

It's Not Just About Santa...I Think

2011-12-19T16:25:00.000-08:00

Wenever made taking pictures with Santa a huge deal. I think each kid probablyhas once picture each with Santa.

(Butnow that I just typed that, I’m not even sure if the above statement is true. I*know* Beezus has a picture with Santa. I *know* that Beezus ANDRamona have a picture with the Easter Bunny. Everything else is probably atotal lie.)

Idon’t know why I never cared to have a picture with the girls and Santa.Probably because I’m a horrible person. But I do know that it (probably) MOSTLYhad to do with the debilitating fear and shyness that was hard-wired in mychildren. And really, the toddler Ramona hated all things with masks/costumes.(1^st trip to Disneyland? There was lots of fear and loathing towardany character that wasn’t a princess.)

(Ijust remembered another picture with Beezus and Santa. So the score is Beezus2. Ramona 0. Probably.)

Random side note:

Holycrap…I just remembered that when we were at a mall in Mexico City, weabsolutely took a family picture with the Reyes Magos. That wasn’t at allskeevy.

Buteven taking a picture with the Reyes Magos probably doesn’t make up for thefact that my kids were afraid of Santa/I am a terrible person and thereforehave little to no pictures with Santa as keepsakes of all that awesomeChristmas magic.

Idon’t have regrets about this, exactly…it would probably have left more scarsthan memories. But I think today I’ve been focusing A LOT on what they willremember from Christmas this year and I got stuck on the things that we didn’tdo.

Therewill be a lot of new memories to be made this year as we move to a new (temporary)house before we buy in a year (or so) in the area we want to stay in for a longtime/forever. As we pack up and move this week, I am surprisingly calm. (Ipacked the kitchen last Friday night and, as of last night after getting thekeys, is already completely unpacked and put away in the new house. Yes, I’mproud and excited about this.) Knowing that we are moving this holiday week, Iam trying to think of ways that Christmas can be special and memorable for mygirls. I’ve got a moving and packing checklist…and then I have myChristmas/Decorations/Presents checklist because Christmas is just tooimportant to blow off. I know this sounds completely insane, but my decorationswill be simple. But you can bet your ass I’m going to make it as awesome as Ipossibly can.

Beautiful Chaos

2011-12-06T17:36:00.001-08:00

Right now, my life feels a little like this picture of lights.

A little crazy and chaotic.

A tangled mess.

A lot of work.

But still beautiful in its own way.

I like finding beauty in the chaos. I like that I make a choice to be happy even when there is chaos and crazy all around.

This picture speaks volumes.

Brain Dump

2011-12-05T15:31:00.001-08:00

Thisweekend was so incredibly packed I had to take a piece of paper and a pen todraw out a diagram. A regular calendar was useless to my planning. I had to seethe ink on the lined paper in order for the scheduling to make sense. Soccertournament for 2 girls. (That’s a lot of damn games, I’m just saying.)End-of-season soccer parties for two girls. (That was insane.) A family partyfor my MIL. (I’ll just let that one sit there. No explanation needed.) Plusother joyful events that were so full of joy that they made my weekend.

Soccerseason is officially over. Can I get a hallelujah? Because I just shouted out “HALLELUJAH”and it probably made everyone around here uncomfortable. Sure, there might bean indoor session or two…but that is ONE game a week and NO PRACTICESWHATSOEVER. It’s glorious just thinking about it. I have the rest of December,January…and part of February with no sports practices that my children mustattend. It really *is* the most wonderful time of the year.

Amongthe million other things we had this weekend, I stopped by the annual cookieexchange that my friends host each year. I’m not even sure how to tell you howwonderful those ladies are. They make me laugh in wonderful ways. And they makeme laugh a lot. And when a snowman somehow turned into Kenny from South Park,well…I think it’s safe to say the holidays have arrived.

Wealso stopped by to visit family that were in town for a marathon. And I spentmost of the visit completely smooshing our cousin’s son. He is delicious andhis baby smiles and laughs warmed my heart. Don’t get me wrong, it was so muchfun to visit with family and congratulate him on a marathon well done! (Soproud!) But oh my, that baby kinda stole the show. What a little charmer.

Well…nowwe’re back to Monday and it feels like I haven’t had a day off yet. So maybeMonday feels slightly crueler than usual. Dramatic much? Maybe. But this weekis so incredibly full, I’m really not sure I will make it through without somesort of war wound. But I will be grateful for me chaotic weekend. And I will begrateful for my packed to the gills week that I know is in store for me. I justmight not sane enough to know I’m grateful.

ButI’ll keep you posted.

Thanks for a great November, Eleanor

2011-11-30T10:01:00.000-08:00

I can’t believe it’s the last day of November.

I know how a calendar works. I knew what day it was yesterday (happy birthday, Jess!) and yet, I’m completely baffled that tomorrow is December first.

I know I wanted to write every day in November, but I just couldn’t make it happen. I’m not going to beat myself up about this. Because, well…because just I’m not.

But trust me, November was rad. And not because every day was perfect and wonderful, but because I'm proud of the November I had.

I celebrated my 14^th wedding anniversary.
I faced fears.
I celebrated Thanksgiving for three awesome days.
I continue to enjoy my “new” job and all that goes with that.
I was inspired by Megan and Eleanor Roosevelt. (I even got to meet that kick-ass Megan herself.)
I started working on future plans and making them happen.

Operation Eleanor got me to do things I didn’t think I was ready to do. I did things outside my comfort zone. I stood up for myself. I loved when I didn’t think I could. I moved beyond things I have no control over. I tackled projects that made me nervous.

I did something that “scared” me every day.

I need to find a way to keep this going. I need to keep the Operation Eleanor inspiration on the forefront of my mind. I need to be reminded that I can do hard things. I can push the limits. I can push *my* limits. I am capable of making things happen.

I can be the best version of me.

Here’s to an awesome December.

In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility. ~Eleanor Roosevelt

Happy Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T05:17:00.000-08:00

I've never gone hungry.

I don't even know what that feels like.

Don't get me wrong, we've never been rich. I remember my dad going to school and working full-time. I know my mom worked nights during some of that time. I just don't think I have an actual memory of this because she must've left for work after we were in bed. (I wonder if my brothers even know any of this.) And if my parents went without, I never knew it.

I'm not going to sit here an say that it was easy for my parents. I know it wasn't. Even if things were a lot better after my dad finished school, I have no idea how they fed and clothed 5 kids.

I feel like an ass writing all that after reading a story that Jett wrote. A complete and total ass.

The fact of the matter is that there are a lot of hungry people in our country. In this day and age when everything seems to be at our fingertips, there are still people who do not know what their next meal will be or when it will be.

Luckily, Megan and Jett are on to something. They joined their powers of awesome and are trying to get us all involved before we head off to our various Thanksgiving events. On each of their websites they are sponsoring giveaways for those that donate $5 or more to Feed America. And as crazy at is sounds, $1 = 8 meals. You read that right. And if you do the math, a $5 donation = 40 meals. Which seriously boggles the mind.

But why stop there? If we all just donated just $5...and then if we spread the word and other people donated $5...you see where this is going.

I love Thanksgiving. It's my very favorite holiday. I love being with family and friends and feeling so much gratitude for all that we have. I love Thanksgiving dinner and it's ridiculous amounts of awesome. I'm sad to think about those that don't have that. My heart hurts for all of them.

I know you might have other charities or groups to donate to. But if you don't, and/or if you want to still donate, that would be mighty awesome of ya.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Lots of love to all of you.

Click HERE to donate.

Day 17 - Places I've Been Missing

2011-11-16T22:13:00.000-08:00

Day 15

2011-11-15T16:58:00.000-08:00

I hate that I have anxiety about certain things.

Today, I faced a few of those things. Actually, it felt like I piled on a bunch of those things.

But...BUT? She's a pretty good reason to face 'em all.

Cuteness

2011-11-14T23:39:00.000-08:00

I love what a fun Bampa my dad is.

(Yes, I realize none of those children are my kids. Seriously.)

Day 13

2011-11-13T20:00:00.001-08:00

I just realized that my other posts posted as draft. I have no idea why that is, so I just decided to post a picture of me and The Dude when we were in Mexico.

And I had platinum hair.

You're welcome.

Day 12

2011-11-12T22:00:00.000-08:00

Pomegranate Weekend Face

Day 11 - We Remember

2011-11-11T21:16:00.000-08:00

Day 10 - I Have No Title For This

2011-11-10T10:35:00.000-08:00

I’m too sensitive for all that’s going on in the world.

I avoid most news stories because I internalize it, stew about it and can’t get it out of my head.

You can’t avoid or ignore news stories that are talked about on every news outlet and social media forum.

People who hurt children and people who don’t put a stop to people who hurt children make me physically ill.

I can’t get the stories out of my head. And I can’t stop feeling this kind of hatred for these people I don’t know.

And none of this happened to me or my family.

I am angry. And I am sad. I wish I could protect all the children everywhere.

This is when my faith is tested.

Now, if you’ll excuse me…I’m going to try and bleach my brain with Disney movies and pictures of baby animals.

Ugh

2011-11-09T23:20:00.000-08:00

I'm not gonna spend too much time here.

The Penn State stuff has me a little too bugged.

I'll be back tomorrow.

Day 8 - Playing the Game

2011-11-08T16:53:00.000-08:00

Life must be lived and curiosity kept alive. One must never, for whatever reason, turn his back on life.
Eleanor Roosevelt

For the first time in months, we only have soccer practice two times a week. I’m sorry, that deserves another sentence: FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MONTHS, WE ONLY HAVE SOCCER PRACTICE TWO TIMES A WEEK. (Caps Lock and bold was needed as well.)

It’s not often that the girls have practice on the same night. For any of the sports that they play. But it just so happens that both teams changed to the same lighted soccer field on the same nights at *nearly* the same time. I feel like I’ve won the soccer mom lottery.

Last week, I was talking to one of the mom’s and she mentioned that Monday was going to be a really fun practice. It’s basically a “pick-up game” and the parents join in on the team. She encouraged me to come out and join them because the girls LOVE playing against their parents. I just laughed. I gave myself an out…I’ve never (ever) played soccer. Not as a kid. Not as a teenager. And certainly not as an adult. Also? I haven’t been able to really run since the marathon last month. I nearly blew the whole idea off. I kept mentioning that I’ve never played soccer and the other mom kept encouraging me to still come out and play. She mentioned again how much the girls loved it. Because, really…when you’re 13-14 years old, scoring a goal on and outrunning the parents are comedy GOLD.

I told her I would think about it.

Yesterday, I knew that I wanted to take another stab at running to see if my body would let me. I dressed for the occasion so that I might be able to squeeze a run in while the girls were practicing. And? I was pretty sure I was going to try and play a pick-up soccer game with my kid. Maybe.

As I watched Ramona’s practice, girls from Beezus’ team walked by me. Including the mom that worked so hard to convince me to play. She saw that I was dressed and ready to go, and gave me the biggest smile.

I still wasn’t entirely sure that I would be actually playing.

But yes, that totally cheesy moment where, if we were in a movie, the cheesy music would start playing…I remembered my Operation Eleanor plan. Yes, this was SO out of my comfort zone. I’m not especially athletic. But this could absolutely be the Operation Eleanor task that I was supposed to do for the day.

Ramona and I made our way over to the other field after her practice was over. Beezus saw us heading onto the field and the smile that lit up her face was priceless. Even at 14, playing she was incredibly excited that I was joining in. And because it was such a fun atmosphere and easy-going game, Ramona played right along with us.

And I had a blast. An absolute, exhausting…froze my ass off blast.

As we were walking to our car at the end of practice, the same mom reminded me that we’d be doing the same thing next week.

I told her I would be there.

Day 7...I'm Still Going

2011-11-07T22:16:00.000-08:00

I played a little soccer tonight. Me. I'm telling the truth, shut up.

One of the other Moms asked if I would participate in a just for fun soccet game with our girls.

And even though I've never played soccer, I did it.

I had so much fun with the girls. They loved having some of the parents out there playing.

Out the norm and out of my comfort zone.

So worth it all.

Day 6

2011-11-06T21:25:00.000-08:00

I, once again, am blogging from my phone. It's not super easy, but it is super convenient. Especially when I haven't had any computer time.

But? I gotta keep going.

Until tomorrow -

2011-11-05T23:59:00.000-07:00

I have a minute to spare!!!

Day the Fourth

2011-11-04T13:30:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna let Eleanor write today's post...yes, I know that's cheating:

We gain strength,
and courage,
and confidence
by each experience
in which we really stop
to look fear in the face...
we must do that
which we think we cannot.

Eleanor Roosevelt

Day The Third

2011-11-03T10:02:00.000-07:00

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
~ Eleanor Roosevelt

I’m guess really not sure I’m ready to write about it.

I’m facing a reality, not just a fear.

My entire life, I’ve been a type of peace-maker with the need-to-please-disease.

When that doesn’t “work” you keep telling yourself that you didn’t try hard enough. That there MUST be something you’re not doing.

You let that person (that one person!) make you feel like the worst version of yourself. You allow them to make you feel inferior.

I know this won’t be fixed in one day. But this is the fear I’m facing today.

I am a good and happy and loving person. I know this. I will not allow someone else to disturb that.

It is their problem. Not mine.

Day Two

2011-11-02T14:36:00.000-07:00

“I think that somehow, we learn who we really are and then live with that decision.”
~ Eleanor Roosevelt

We didn’t have any concrete anniversary plans as of yesterday morning. Truth be told, we almost never do. In the 14 years we’ve been married, there have only been a few of those years that actually had “pre-meditated” celebrating. That’s just who we are. So when it turns out that celebrating our anniversary means taking our family of four out to dinner, that seems totally normal to us. And our “normal” was totally awesome.

* * *

Eleanor Roosevelt was a very wise lady. Over the past year, I’ve had one of her quotes posted at my desk at work.

“You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”

I wish I could explain how many times I’ve looked at that quote. I also wish I could explain how many times that quote has pushed me to do something hard. (Hello, marathon anyone?) When I read about Megan’s Operation Eleanor plan, it immediately clicked with me. At a time when I really wanted to focus on getting back to me, doing one thing that scares me (or is hard) every day made perfect sense. You don’t know what you’re capable of until you’re faced with something hard. If you keep doing hard things, you begin to realize that you can take on the world. Or that mountain of laundry that seems to haunt you.

Yesterday’s Operation Eleanor task had to do with setting boundaries and telling people no. Today I crossed a couple things off my to-do list that I had been avoiding because they fell outside my comfort zone. One of those tasks yielded exactly the results that I wanted. One of them didn’t. Not really. But…I’m REALLY glad that I’ve taken care of all of those things. A few less things weighing down on me. I don’t mind that at all.

No, I haven’t solved the world’s problems or cured any horrible diseases, but I’ve taken a few more steps toward being the me I know I’m capable of. Scary and hard things be damned.

Here We Go Again

2011-11-01T09:46:00.000-07:00

I miss blogging.

It’s been a long time since I participated in NaBloPoMo.

This month of November will be inspired by Eleanor Roosevelt.

It’s time to get back to basics. Get back to what’s important.

This is happening.

Hello, November.

2011-10-20T10:50:00.000-07:00

How long has it been since I’ve updated this thing?

I’m not even going to look.

I’m going to pretend that I can’t even check such things.

However, the only problem with that, is that I have no idea how much updating I have to catch up on.

But then…I also figure that I make the rules here. Missing chunks of time!

It’s really not the end of the world.

I don’t think.

Let’s just say that it’s been a month. In the past month there has been a wedding, lots of family visiting, a new job, a marathon, lots of soccer practice and games, and now more family is visiting. And a birthday party this weekend. And…a baby blessing…and I’m sure I’m missing something.

It’s really no wonder that I got sick last week. I’ve been running my body ragged.

I keep telling myself that I just need to get through a certain date and then life will calm down. But that date keeps extending. Right now, I think we’re looking at the summer of 2026. I *might* get some rest then. (Probably not. But we all need to have goals in life.)

(All of a sudden I remembered that I still have not ordered Ramona’s Halloween costume. Epic Mom-Fail. Crap.)

Okay…while I go and do THAT, I’ll try to remember if there’s anything else that needs to be updated.

And I’ll try to not wait so long before updating again. But we all know how well that goes.

See you July 2026.

Rambling of Sorts

2011-09-09T17:50:00.000-07:00

The problem with taking so long between posts is that you might forget what happened since then.

**We've been doing a lot of adjusting and getting to a new school routine with Ramona. (4th grade is awesome and also hard.)

**This also goes for Beezus. (9th grade is going great...she's not especially excited about school, but she's getting used to it.)

**The Dude and I are preparing for next week's Ragnar Relay in Napa.I think we're ready. Once again (like Wasatch) my goal is to not die. It's a simple request, I think.

**I had dinner with a priest on Sunday. I have nothing really to say about it, I just find it really hilarious. It sounds like I'm about to tell a joke. "So I had dinner with a priest on Sunday!" All I need is a rabbi and I've got the beginnings of a good one.

(Funny...we didn't know to prepare Ramona for his visit. She was a tad bit weirded out by him. I also find this hilarious.)

**I start a new job soon. (A new position within my current company.) Of course, I can't talk about it, but hey! Now you know part of it.

**I'm planning on napping this weekend. Because I never, ever can. I will also be watching as much football as I can. I will let you know if any of this actually happens. Because...well, you know how my life is.

Until next time...might I leave you with a cool picture of Beezus playing water polo. Because of course she's playing water polo.

Late Night Ramble

2011-08-24T06:19:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here waiting for Beezus to finish up some homework. She doesn't need my help, and she didn't ask me to stay. But I feel bad leaving her downstairs while everyone else is slumbering peacefully.

That child hit the ground running in this new high school world, and holy buckets...she's a busy kid.

But she's doing great.

I never had any doubt. I just somehow miss her already.

I gotta go now, though. She's explaining the difference in water polo swimsuits.

I don't want to miss any of it.

crying like a baby...or like a mother who just sent her kid off to high school

2011-08-22T11:38:00.000-07:00

I very nearly cried myself to sleep last night.

I didn't mean to. And I'm embarrassed to even admit this.

I guess I just felt like I should tell on myself. Maybe it will make some of you feel better about your embarrassing moment of the day. "Remember the time Mrs Chaos cried herself to sleep just because her kid was starting high school?!"

See? I bet you already feel better.

I knew I was struggling to keep my emotions in check last night. And after a slightly stressful few minutes at bedtime where everyone was a little on-edge, I went back into Beezus' room to give her one last hug and a motherly pep-talk. I figured that she could roll her eyes so hard at my pep-talk and she'd forget that she was a little nervous about the big day. But as I climbed under the covers, next to this...person who is not a kid anymore, I lost it. I freaking lost it and started to cry before I even started talking to her. NICE PEP-TALK, MOM.

She was so funny about the mess that is her mother. She tried to keep herself distracted so as to not completely lose it like her overly emotional mother. We both did let our tears roll down our faces as I told her how annoyed I was at being so weepy. I told her that I wasn't sad about her starting high school. (I really am so excited for her!) I was sad about there being only four years until she went off to college. I told her that our life is crazy busy all the time...but that I didn't want to have any regrets when she leaves for college. I didn't want our overly busy life to get in the way of her being mine for just a little while more.

Because, I told her, when it's time for you to go to college, it's important for you to start living your own life little bits at a time. And it's important for that to start in high school.

I suppose it's a good thing that I can get some of this out now. Not that I won't be a wreck when she graduates. But maybe not a complete train-wreck of a mother who can't freaking stop crying even when she's on her way to work...and then calls her younger sister because, well...SOMEONE HAS TO YELL AT ME TO MAKE ME STOP CRYING. (Probably it's better if you don't call me today. It will be better for YOU, I mean. No one should have to deal with this.)

(Actually, it's a little funny that my dear, dear friend from work was getting out of her car when I drove up to the office this morning. Funny because I burst into tears about halfway to work. And as she walked up to my car I said, through laughter, tears and a voice that I wouldn't recognize as my own "I AM SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE!" She immediately started laughing at me and gave me a big hug. We both began to wonder why I just didn't take the damn day off.)

I was just going to finish this about how I'm much better now and not the biggest b00b on the planet, but I just tested my emotional boundaries, and I still can't talk about this morning without welling up. I AM F-ING RIDICULOUS.

You can point and laugh. I'm totally fine with that.

I promise to write about something else. Soon.

Tales of a 4th Grade Nothing (Parent)

2011-08-16T12:30:00.000-07:00

Sometimes blog posts happen because you need to hash out what’s on your mind.

I feel like I have been trying to figure this out for several months in my head and couldn’t seem to make sense of any of it.

Today was Ramona’s first day of school. Her first day of 4^th grade.

So many moms (or dads) celebrate the first day of school, but I am generally not one of those parents.

I love getting back to a routine. I love the feel of those school days. I hate the amount of work it adds to my schedule.

But I think I’ve been dreading it even more because last year was less than ideal for Ramona.

If you ask my child if she had a great 3^rd grade year, she’ll say yes. She, thankfully, doesn’t remember her tears and anxiety that I can’t seem to forget.

I knew it would be a challenging year even before it started. 3^rd grade is a big change even under the best of circumstances.

I wasn’t excited about the teacher assignment she received. I knew, even though I shouldn’t, that this teacher has drama tendencies with her co-workers.

(Sometimes being friends with teachers at the school has its drawbacks. I can’t be blissfully unaware when I want to.)

I really tried to go into that school year with an open mind. And I think, even knowing what I know now, I really, really did.

I gave her a fair chance. Even if I was holding my breath, hoping everything didn’t fall apart. Even as it started falling apart.

Try as I might, I didn’t mesh well with her personality. I felt like a 2-faced jackass every time I talked to her, because I tried so hard to make nice and I knew my heart wasn’t in it.

And I think I’m pretty good at making nice with people. I dislike very few people.

I started out okay, though…because I knew that Ramona thought she was great.

But what Ramona thought was great caused her self-esteem and confidence to fall.

My heart plummeted.

It’s not that I just stood by and watched, hoping for things to get better. I sent e-mails with concerns. I spoke to the teacher in person when I saw her in the mornings.

But she always told me what I wanted to hear. How could I possibly argue with her?

“Don’t worry about it! She’s fine!”

“Oh, I was talking to another student about this, she has nothing to worry about.”

Yet, all I did was worry. And count the days until 3^rd grade could be over. And did as much damage control at home that I possibly could. And when Ramona came home sobbing because she completely flubbed an audition for their 3^rd grade play because she was terrified of the other 3^rd grade teacher (her teacher’s best friend) and her teacher did nothing, I wished I could’ve pulled my child out of the school.

I cried as soon as I hung up the phone with her that day. Because I was at work. (Even though I was at work.) Because I couldn’t march down to the school and give all of them a piece of my mind. And even if I could’ve left work to yell at every 3^rd grade teacher, I knew that it wouldn’t have helped. In fact, it would have made things worse.

Part of what we’re supposed to learn in school is how to get along. You can’t pick your boss or co-workers sometimes, so you take what you learn in school and you PLAY NICE. I try not to baby and create special exceptions for my kids because they need to learn that no one is going to do that for them as grown-ups.

So it’s hard to come to the realization that maybe this wasn’t one of those times.

Maybe this was an example of when to quit a job because your co-worker or boss is a complete butt-munch.

Looking back, I’m not sure what else I could’ve done. The other 3^rd grade classes weren’t fantastic options either. Remove her from one less than ideal situation into another? What kind of options are those?

This is one of those times as a parent that there are no right answers. All I could do was learn from it and move on. Learn from it and request the 4^th grade teacher that I wanted my child to have. The teacher I knew I could talk to and who is fair and consistent with her students. A teacher that wouldn’t use sarcasm and belittlement with her students.

I hope I can start feeling better about this. Maybe now that I’ve been able to put it into words, I can look forward to a 4^th grade year and have high hopes for a new year instead of dreading and feeling sad for what has already happened. Maybe now, I can be like many other parents and be excited for the new school year.

Wish us luck…

Nostalgia...In Pictures

2011-08-15T09:19:00.000-07:00

Beezus is at her Freshman schedule pick-up and registration event.

Tomorrow is the Freshman orientation extravaganza.

She turns 14 on Wednesday.

2 years from now, she'll be about to be getting her driver's license.

4 years from now, we'll be taking her to college.

It's not that I'm freaking out. It's just that all this nostalgia is making me a little...nostalgic.

I'm so lucky to be her mom.

(This post could also be about how many times my hair has changed. Whatever, dude.)

2011-07-16T14:41:00.000-07:00

I'm taking time to unwind before I ramp up and start working. The office work kind of working. On a Saturday. Because that's what happens when you have major deadlines this time of year and then your husband is out of town for a week and you can't seem to finish anything because you're spreading yourself too thin because OMG, the children need a full-time chauffeur and housekeeper.

*best run-on sentence ever, I swear.*

I'm okay, though. I know that I have to get stuff done. I know that it's important. And I know I won't be here all weekend.

Silver lining: it is super quiet. I have some alone time after a week of pure insanity and being the only parent to deal with the Chaos Children. I haven't even turned on my music yet, because they silence was so

Though, while this silence is heavenly, it also making me tired. Crappy week of sleeping, a midnight showing of Harry Potter, and a husband who flew in around 11 last night? I'm in some serious need of a nap.

I can do this, though. Gettin' stuff done so I can (somewhat) rest tomorrow.

Hopefully.

Old Shirt Courage

2011-07-14T12:19:00.000-07:00

I’m wearing an old shirt of my dad’s.

I’m not exactly sure how old I was when I assumed ownership of this shirt, but I know I was in high school. Maybe I was 15 or 16 at the time. I was such a preppy teenager. An oversized, Oxford-type shirt was right up my style-alley. I’m not even sure if my dad noticed it was missing. I don’t think he wore it very often. He never said a word to me about it.

I don’t even know how it’s possible that I still have this shirt. There really is no good reason to have an item of clothing that long. Except, you know…it belonged to my dad. The shirt is slightly shredded in the right elbow. That’s okay, rolling up your sleeves is good work ethic. Although, rolled up sleeves isn’t particularly fashionable, it’s what needs to be done.

I didn’t plan on wearing this shirt today. I never do. It’s not a shirt that you plan to wear…it just happens. Capri slacks and my dad’s shirt. With the sleeves rolled up, of course. Add a couple of necklaces and some sandals, and I was set. It’s not fancy, but it works. Pearls help dress anything up, right?

Today, armed with my pearls and my dad’s old shirt, I will be taking the first step in making a big change professionally. I can’t really say more than that, but just know that this is big. And new. And also, I feel like I’m going to puke a little. Did I mention this is a big deal?

Somehow, as I sit here thinking about all of this, wearing my dad’s shirt and my pearls help. It’s silly…but who says I have to be rational about this?

Whatever works, right?

Take 2...Because We Need More Picture of My Feet

2011-07-12T09:22:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I tried to tell the interwebs that I was training for a big running event. I had waited so long, and I finally had gotten the courage to say it "out loud" and then the stupid post disappears into the abyss of the blogging world.

I find this all highly ironic.

Maybe it happened for a reason. Maybe I just don't know how to use a computer.

Whatever reason, I'm all shy again. I'm having trouble outing myself. Even if I'm pretty sure y'all are smart enough to figure out 1) what I'm talking about and 2) I'm an idiot and really ridiculous. Nothing new here!

At the end of the day, I'm happy to be back running. It's hard. I'm not a natural runner...and I'm sure I'm an absolute sight to behold. (And by "sight" I mean that you should probably avert your eyes to avoid the horror that is me running.) But running reminds me that I can do hard things. It teaches me patience and hard work. It gets me outside into nature...where my mind is at peace. Someday, maybe my body will be just as at peace as my mind can get...but for now, I'm really happy to be back to my slow-as-a-turtle-running-ways.

I've Got A New Attitude

2011-07-08T16:55:00.000-07:00

“Surrender is the simple but profound wisdom of yielding to rather than opposing the flow of life. The only place where you can experience the flow of life is Now, so surrender is to accept the present moment unconditionally and without reservation.”

~Eckhart Tolle

Finding the joy in chaos. Surrendering and enjoying the life that I've been given. THAT is where I'm headed.

I'm taking a leaf out of Chelle's book, too. Eucharisteo. It's what we're gonna do.

lots of boring blabber

2011-05-25T17:09:00.000-07:00

I’d like to blog more.

Every once in awhile, I find that I really miss all the blabbering on the interwebs that I used to do. I don’t know that anyone else misses it, but lucky for you, I’m not sure that it matters! Since when did I need an excuse to talk? (And I totally mean BLABBER.)

*I’m sitting here hoping that softball gets cancelled today. It’s been sprinkling off and on so I doubt I’ll be so lucky, but a girl can dream. I still can’t believe it’s so cold and rainy. We’re at the end of May and the weather doesn’t seem to realize it.

*Beezus graduates from 8^th grade in 2 weeks. Yeah, that’s just as weird as you might imagine. I’m half worried that I’ll be a weepy mess at her graduation. Because, really…I’m not sad that she’s graduating. I’m excited for her. I just hate that I have this image of a timer counting down for the next four years. Do you know how fast that is going to go? Because, holy HELL, I can’t believe I only have four years left of her really being MINE. Time needs to slow the hell down.

*Our dryer broke. I’m not complaining about this, oddly enough. The Dude knows what’s wrong and is trying to find the part, but I’m not really all that phased by it. Beezus says that we’re going ‘Old School’. I laughed. I actually don’t mind it at all. Is that weird? I’m always in such a damn hurry all the time, but I haven’t been bothered by the brokenness at all. I bought a laundry rack and lots more hangers. And really? I’m fine with it. Not that I love doing laundry any more than I used to, but I think I can be glad for a routine change.

*My Sharks are out of the playoffs. I kinda felt that coming. And I made peace with it. I recorded last night’s game but then didn’t start watching until late in the 3^rd period. I had decided that I didn’t want the stress of watching an entire game. And so of course, the game went into double overtime. I played Fruit Ninja to calm my nerves.

*I love Fruit Ninja.

*Since I’ve been typing this, both softball games have been cancelled. I may or may not have done some sort of happy dance. You’ll never know.

*I’m running Wasatch Back next month. I’m feeling a little unprepared this week. I took several days off due to my leg giving me a little trouble. But before that, I felt great…felt like I could keep up, so hopefully I can continue THAT momentum. Although, with the way Utah weather has been, I’m feeling totally unprepared for dealing with that. I’ve never run in snow. And I really don’t think it’s unreasonable for me to worry about that.

*I haven’t really cooked much at all in the past month. We are rarely home, so take-out has been our life. I really don’t think I should admit this. And yet here I am.

*I really need to get going to my next job. Gearing up for the evening shift. Two less softball games makes it a LOT less daunting. But now the oldest has lessons that needed to be rescheduled. So it’s not like I can just go home and eat Bon Bons. (Does anyone eat Bon Bons? Are those suckers still around? NO idea.)

*I’ll stop boring you to pieces now. You’re welcome.

When You Believe In Things That You Don't Understand

2011-05-11T14:50:00.000-07:00

I just walked out of my dear friend’s office laughing.

We were talking about the Sharks. And, if you’re a Sharks’ fan, you would find the idea of me laughing, well, laughable. Especially after last night’s game. Especially since they were up in this series 3-0 and poised to sweep the RedWings to move on to the next round of the Stanley Cup playoffs and now the series is tied 3-3.

Lame.

But back to laughing.

We were talking about superstitions. Most athletes and sports fans are at least mildly (usually majorly) superstitious. I have my moments of being annoyingly so. It’s like I can’t even help myself. But last night I wasn’t taking any chances. I was as superstitious as they come.

And I felt like the biggest idiot.

Especially when they lost.

I remind myself ALL THE TIME that I absolutely do not have control of any hockey, football or baseball game. What supreme arrogance I must possess if I think the hat that I wear or the pair of underwear I choose will actually control the outcome of any particular game??!

I HAVE A NEMO KEYCHAIN HANGING ON MY PURSE. HOW THE HELL DOES THIS NOT HELP THE SHARKS WIN?!?!???

Clearly I have problems. But you knew that.

As a God believing person, you would think that I would stand clear of superstitions. I obviously know who’s in charge.

I will be bummed when hockey season is over. It has become the only TV I really watch anymore because keeping up with “regular” prime-time television is maddening. I would love for the Sharks to be a part of my hockey watching as we continue into the rest of the playoffs, but it really isn’t up to me.

Even if I am totally wearing the lucky underwear and the Nemo keychain is still hanging from my purse.

I’m nothing if not ridiculous.

Boring with a Twist

2011-04-19T15:45:00.000-07:00

Spreadsheets, 10-key, general ledgers...numbers, numbers, numbers. This picture makes my job seem so much more cosmically cool. Ok...cool-ish.

April's Fool

2011-04-01T16:40:00.001-07:00

You can laugh at my expense. I give you permission.

Ramona has a flare for the dramatic. Shocking, I know.

She also has her own version of the truth.

So when she tells me this morning that she needs new sandals because hers are too small, and I say “Yes, I guess you do” SHE translated that into: “Yes, go ahead and ask Abuelito to take you shopping for sandals after school. MY MOM SAYS IT’S OK.”

Luckily, a text from my mother in-law making sure that that IS okay lets me know what my child is up to. No surprise that my child is angry and devastated that she is no longer en route to the shopping trip she had so perfectly planned out. I told her to wait for The Dude to get home. They could go then.

This went over about as well as you would expect.

About and hour ago I received a text message from Beezus’ phone from Ramona saying: “Mommy I got my sandals”.

I was livid.

After my specific instructions to wait for The Dude and the fact that I said NO to going shopping with my father in-law, you can imagine my anger. I was seeing red. I had flipped a gasket. I was hot under the collar. I totally brought my angry eyes.

Luckily, The Dude got home soon after that and I completely let loose. (Remember? SO ANGRY!) He says, “Hold on. Let me talk to my mom.”

Not two minutes later, I get a phone call back:

Him: “So hey…that thing with Ramona?”

Me: (still angry) “Yeah, what happened?!”

Him: “So…just remember what today is. Just play it off”

Me: “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?”

Him: quiet laughter in the background

Me: “WHAT A LITTLE JERK!!”

Him: not so quiet laughter in the background.

Text message response from me to ‘play it off’ for the sake of the day: “You are busted”

I might still honor that threat.

On my mind.

2011-03-30T10:19:00.000-07:00

o We went to a hockey game last weekend. We had a blast. I learned that Ramona is more of a trash-talker that I ever realized. That child. Of course, as a fight broker out and Ramona was cheering…or trash-talking…or something, I leaned over to my friend and said, in astonishment, “I have no idea where she gets that!” This friend looked up and said “well, since your husband is taking pictures of the fight, I might have an idea.”

o I need an assistant. Or win the lottery. Of course, if I win the lottery, I could afford an assistant.

o Softball. It is that time of year when my life revolves around softball and I begin to eat sunflower seeds and Gatorade for dinner. I don’t recommend this diet. It’s actually quite disgusting.

o I’m running again. This is exciting and super hard. While I’m glad I let myself heal and get better for SO LONG, I am REALLY gun-shy and wary of getting another running injury. I think I’m being careful. Running on “softer” surfaces for now. Bike trails and running on the levee are it for now. Of course, warmer weather and running near water near the levee at dusk means bugs fly up my nose. Nasty.

o Speaking of running…we’re doing Wasatch this year. Our team is short a couple of people. ANY TAKERS? You know you want to…

2011-03-23T11:05:00.001-07:00

I’m ready for less rain.

I’m dreaming of being outside more.

I’d like to forget about really high rivers and worrying about levees.

I can wait to dust off the bbq.

I can almost taste the grilled asparagus and tri-tip.

I also would love some grilled pineapple right now.

I’m ready for change.

I’m ready for summer.

I will need to be reminded of this when I’m complaining about how hot it is in July.

I am *that* predictable.

Believe

2011-03-14T14:38:00.001-07:00

Believe in your dreams.

Believe in today.

Believe that you are loved.

Believe that you make a difference.

Believe we can build a better world.

Believe when others might not.

Believe there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

Believe that you might be that light for someone else.

Believe that the best is yet to be.

Believe in each other.

Believe in yourself.

I believe in you.
—
Kobi Yamada

Via Kind Over Matter

Rainbows and Unicorns and a Mountain

2011-02-23T13:00:00.001-08:00

Every time I return to Mt. Shasta, I wonder why I ever left.

But if I never left, it couldn’t be the place to where I escape.

My family of four plus my mom & dad headed out of town to visit my aunt and uncle for the 3-day weekend. We (wisely) waited until Saturday morning to leave, so our drive up was a lot safer with only small amounts of rain and snow to greet us.

There’s a point on the way up, as you twist and turn headed up in elevation, where you know you’re almost there. You turn a corner and, on a clear day, the mountain if in full view and the beauty smacks you in the face. It is usually at that moment where I let out the breath I had been holding. I think somehow, after all these years, it is the point of the drive up that I let go of all that pulls me when at home.

There was too much weather action going on for me to see the mountain at all this trip. But let’s pretend I could see this:

Although, my aunt’s house has an excellent view of Black Butte…even if this isn’t MY picture:

We didn’t go anywhere all weekend. Well, we didn’t go anywhere that wasn’t close to their house. We went for walks, the girls went snow-shoeing with The Dude and my uncle…

They created the Snow-Slide-of-Awesome that the girls spend hours sliding down on the sled. We don’t have much in the way of snow-gear (don’t need it much) so we made do with what we had and the girls would just come in to change when they got to wet, and then head right back out again. After hot cocoa and something to eat, of course. The clothes would hang by the fire to get dry…and would be ready for the next time the girls needed to change into dry clothes. I felt so guilty seeing how much fun my kids were having in the snow. They hadn’t seen snow in years. I had to keep reminding myself that they might not be so excited to play in it if they had seen it often.

This is my picture...this is the back "yard".

We had a Thanksgiving inspired dinner due to a turkey my mom happened to have in the freezer. My dad made homemade bread and rolls because he’s funny (and awesome) like that. Ramona told my aunt and uncle that we must be celebrating Thanksgiving again because we didn’t get to celebrate with them back in November. (I then died of cute.)

I watched it snow. I don’t get to see it snow very often. Damn, but it’s peaceful when it snows. And when the sun peaks out when is snows? It is all of a sudden peaceful AND glittery and you expect to see rainbows and unicorns off in the distance.

Every once in awhile I would get really quiet, and my mom would ask me if something was wrong. Nothing was wrong and everything was right, but that’s a bit overwhelming when normal is so insanely busy. Especially when last week was…was really awful.

Coming back to reality is hard. You know all the demands that you left behind for the weekend are anxiously awaiting your arrival back home. They don’t like being deserted. Demands are jerks.

We’re already planning our next trip up. Our “free” time is a lot different than it used to be, that’s for sure. We can actually plan trips and events like these. Do you know how weird and wonderful that is?! All I know is that I simply cannot wait.

I LOVE THIS

2011-02-01T10:34:00.001-08:00

We seem to be going through a period of nostalgia,

and everyone seems to think yesterday was better than today.

I don't think it was, and I would advise you not to wait ten years before admitting today was great.

If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.

~ Art Buchwald

From here.

Sunrise...Sunset...Barf, Gag...IT'S JUST HIGH SCHOOL, RIGHT?!

2011-01-31T15:33:00.001-08:00

I feel like I should grab a paper bag and start breathing into it.

High school is on the brain. It has been. Especially for the last seven months.

The very idea of high school for Beezus has freaked me out a little. Our neighborhood high schools are less than stellar options and so we’ve been agonizing over this big decision. I’ve lost sleep, had anxiety…cried over this. It has stressed me right the Hell out. We are down to two options. We will apply/enroll in two different schools to make sure we have a backup plan. And one of those options is one we thought about right in the beginning. God knows what he is doing. I had to come full circle and learn our own lesson before the answers were staring at us in the face.

We’re a special brand of stubborn.

With all this preparation that we’ve been working on, I felt that I should send out a graduation ‘save-the-date’ e-mail to the family. And now I’m all choked up and emotional about the damn thing.

8^th grade graduation…FOUR months away. High school graduation…FOUR years away. That’s just weird.

And I’m being a big ‘ol boob about it.

I only have four years before she leaves for college. Before I don’t get to see her every day. OHMYSTARSPASSTHETISSUES.

This is why I shouldn’t be allowed to fill out high school applications. It ruins me.

I should come with warnings.

She

2011-01-26T13:03:00.000-08:00

I read a very inspiring blog today. About money, sure. But also this:

Sometimes, believing you can do somthing is the hardest part.

In this new chapter in our life, I want to make very different money goals and plans. I love how we stumble on things that inspire to do what we've already thought about!

But there are also some other "hard" things that I want to accomplish in the next few years. Believing that I can do it is key. And then actually DOING those things comes next.

I believe I can do this. And I so I will.

Over the River and Through the Woods

2011-01-24T16:50:00.001-08:00

It was about right here, just as we were getting to the bridge, when my heart felt like it was in my throat.

I haven’t been able to go up there very often in the past few years. Yes, of course, my life has been very different up until December of last year. Being a “more often than not” single parent made life too full for me. But I’d be lying is I said that going up there isn’t hard on me. And maybe why it’s still so hard to get back up there more often now that I can.

This is where I’m really weak: I have a hard time facing the sad.

There were several moments on that winding road where I pretended that my eyes were watering because of yawning. I tried to distract myself with other things. Taking pictures of the bridge and posting it on Facebook for folks to guess where we were. (I love when people play a long. It makes my day.) But then I lost cell service and was forced to be with my feelings. Those damn, sad feelings I get when I go up there.

I’m really lucky. Not everyone can say that they have so many memories with their grandparents and great-grandparents. I have few regrets with how much time I got to spend with the grandparents I was (and am) so close to.

It has been more than eight years since my grandfather passed away. (And almost a year since my great-gram passed away.) You would think that I would be used to going up there without them there.

But I’m not. And it’s still sad. And I still hate that it seems like my gram lives so far away and so alone. (Because you know I have to have something to worry about, too.)

The four of us had a great visit with my Gram. The Dude helped her with her e-mail while Gram & I chatted…and the girls played outside like my siblings and I did for all those years. We talked about the huge storm in the fall that left a ton of snow up there. This reminded me of the time my grandpa built a snow ‘house’ and ramp off the side of the house for us kids. I told the girls about how much fun it was. My gram told the girls that my grandpa was the biggest kid out there. My gram showed me the quilts she’s been working on. We turned on the football games, while we were setting up the snacks and lunch. Gram mentioned not keeping up with football since Grampa died. (That made me chuckle.) Then we happened to open the cabinet with Grampa’s John Wayne movie and book collection. I was grateful that my dad drove up around that time with my nephews so I could go out and help. It was easier to feel helpful moving lilac branches that my dad was cutting down than sit there and start getting sad again.

And I think that’s part of the problem: I don’t let myself be okay with the sad. I think that since there is so much death and pain and sadness in the world, I feel like I’m not “allowed” to mourn or be sad. But maybe if I just give in and feel it all for once…if I let myself be sad, maybe I could get passed myself and just be with my Gram and my family.

Live in the moment. Be present.

There’s still time for more memories to make up there.

ANOTHER POST IN THE SAME DAY! What will she think of next?!

2011-01-21T15:42:00.001-08:00

(Me and Baby M.)

We have a new baby in our family.

I like the way she’s peering into my soul in that picture. Wise little baby.

I love her lots. And I’m so grateful and amazed that I could be there when she was born.

I cried through the entire birth.

Pretty damn amazing.

I'm Here. You're There.

2011-01-21T15:18:00.001-08:00

The weather outside is DELIGHTFUL. For the next many days. This brings lots of little pieces of joy to my heart.

I’m trying to decide if I should get bangs. Sarah and I have hair appointments tomorrow and these are the types of decisions I need to make. If you really think about it, my hair hasn’t changes much in at lease eight or nine months. That is a very, very long time in my hair world. Weird right?

Beezus had been trying out for several ASA softball teams. We still don’t know if that’s the direction we should go, but the rec level for her age group is not looking too promising. Who knows what we’ll decide. Between softball, soccer and high school, I’m really done with all these big decisions that need to be made. Stupid grown-up things.

Ramona has been on fire recently. (More than usual, folks.) There are times when she nearly kills me dead with the sweetness and the funny. But in the very next breath, she blasts me with “the world is ending I CAN’T TAKE THIS” drama. Lordy. She has soccer tryouts tomorrow and I really can’t believe that it’s already that time for her.

The Dude is happily not in school for now. He will take one class to work towards a Masters, but I’m not even sure we’ll notice after all the school we (yes, I said ‘we’) got through the past few years.

I should blog more. This seems so not enough.

Rollin'

2010-12-23T11:32:00.000-08:00

*I've been trying to post pictures to this post most of the morning. But Blogger is trying to teach me my own lesson today. No pictures for me. Thank you, Blogger. This was fun.

Ramona and Beezus both have wonderful soccer coaches. But Ramona's coaches are of a very special breed...I swear they just might be the most positive soccer coaches I've ever encountered. You would think this would make the girls soft and have more experience with losing streaks. But the opposite is true. They were undefeated last year...and the season that we just finished was nearly the same.

Ramona and her team are still at the age where they beg for certain positions or field play time. They try to negotiate with the coaches. At one of the last games, during a particularly awesome negotiation session, one of the coaches gave the girls a lesson in Rock n Roll. He said "You know, in my past life I was in a rock n roll band called the Rolling Stones. And you know what song we sang?" At this point, this dear man with an abundance of patience belts out:

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

I busted up. So did a few parents that heard the conversation. I can replay this scene in my head often and it still gives me a good chuckle.

* * * * * * * * *

The Rolling Stones aren't exactly known for their poignant lyrics even if their song writing kicks some serious ass. They're iconic. They're badass musicians. They're legends. But mostly they're known for a guy with a really large mouth, who can belt out the epitome of classic rock against guitar riffs that can inspire most of us to play air guitar in the most embarrassing of ways. But one of life's truest lessons was immortalized by them:

You can't always get what you want

But if you try sometimes well you just might find
You get what you need

* * * * * * * * *

This morning I dropped of a Christmas card at the Starbucks near my office. They are the dearest group of baristas you ever did meet. I don't care if that sounds silly...they are the bees knees, I tell you. And bringing by a little holiday cheer, when so many people are demanding their damn coffee, made my morning a whole lot better. And they were all so excited. THAT is what the holidays are about.

I love Christmas.

Sweetness

2010-12-22T13:23:00.001-08:00

Today we had a cookie exchange at work.

I made these. Not exactly cookies…but cookie-ish. Cookie enough that I felt they were acceptable to bring.

(They’re kind of delicious. I now want to make them with less chocolate and more caramel and toffee.)

I haven’t baked in years. Not *really* baked. I’ve purchased pre-made cookie dough. Or cupcakes out of a box. But I haven’t done any sort of holiday baking in years.

But I have been inspired by this holiday season.
I have been inspired with my newfound family time.

I will be making more cookies tonight with my mom and dad.

I will share.

Stop on by.

Probably a Good Thing There Are Pictures

2010-12-21T16:34:00.000-08:00

IT.WONT.STOP.RAINING.

So, a lot of this has been happening. Although, today is the first time I’ve checked the weather and there was a small peak of sun. It could be fictional. But a girl can dream.

Because, let’s be honest. When you look out the weather and see this, it all feels a little apocalyptic.

And then there was this:

It was like Christmas came on December 18th instead of December 25th. Yes, that’s The Dude graduating. For reals. I feel like I got my family of four back for Christmas. And I’m kinda not sure what to do with that.

Yes. That. Well, let me explain myself wearing a Cowboys t-shirt. You deserve an explanation because this will never happen again.
This was The Dude’s graduation present. Me…wearing a Cowboy’s t-shirt was his graduation present. D had the idea and bought a tiny t-shirt for that little cutie in the middle there. (The little cutie that has my husband completely wrapped around her finger.)
I’ll try not to be so arrogant to insinuate that me wearing a Cowboy’s t-shirt caused the Cowboys to win and the Saints to lose last weekend. But, you know, THAT happened. My Saints lost a game they should’ve won. Because of me.

I’m off to hang shame curtains. They don’t hang themselves, you know.

Dancing Fool

2010-12-08T10:13:00.001-08:00

I found something else to feel guilty about in my life.

When my girls were little, we danced. We cut a rug like no one’s business.

Sugar, Sugar was our favorite.

I miss dancing with my girls. For the past 5 years or so, I was embarrassed to cut loose.

Ridiculous.

There will be dancing. I’ve just decided. We have lots to celebrate this holiday season.

I Continue to Be Lame. Thanksgiving Style. Hoorah!

2010-11-22T14:25:00.000-08:00

I’ve been trying to write this (an actual post) for weeks. And by weeks, I do believe I’m being generous to myself. I’m not even sure the last time I posted and I kinda don’t want to check right now. (October 23rd. I couldn't help but notice. Blogger kinda just announces it out there when you log in. Geez. I have also tried THREE TIMES to fix the paragraphs on this post and have had no luck at all. So apparently Blogger is a little jokester.)

I love my little blog-do-hickie-things…and all 7 of you that stop by. But I’m not sure how interesting I’ll be when I’m so overwhelmed. And, I mean, I can just hear you. “You’re overwhelmed? BIG SHOCKER…when aren’t you? Move on with the life/blog.”

Or something like that.

(The laptop is nice and warm to my chilled fingers. Thought you should know that.)

(I laid my hands flat on the keyboard after typing that…you know, because of all the warmth…and somehow disabled the blue-tooth and an entire slew of other things in the process. I WIN.)

I started my staycation on Friday. I was sicker than a dog on Friday…so I don’t think that counts at all. So really I started my staycation today. I don’t have much to show for it because I’m still recovering from the “sicker than a dog” part of the past few days. I’ve decided I really don’t have to be the over-achiever of staycations. (It’s not like I win any awards, people.)

(WAIT. Do they *have* staycation awards? Don't answer that...)

But it IS Thanksgiving this week. Happy Thanksgiving week everyone! Yes. Yes, of course I’m thankful! Thank you for asking. Right at the moment I’m especially thankful for warm laptop keyboards. LOVELY.

All this blog writing has wiped me out. I mean, I *am* recovering from so much sick and not feeling well. I think I’ve more than earned a nap. I’m not even remotely joking. I HAVE THE TIRED.

Anyway…HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL OF YOU! Love to you all!!

Weekend Wrap-Up...And It's Only Saturday Afternoon

2010-10-23T13:43:00.000-07:00

I'd be lying if I said that the past two weeks haven't seriously knocked me on my tail. Health-wise, stress-wise...chaos-wise. KNOCKED ME DOWN and did the Mexican Hat Dance on my nerves.

I'm not sure if you know this, but Mexican Hat Dances make you very tired. Especially when the dancing occurs on your nerves.

I'm only a little bit embarrassed to admit that retail therapy yesterday helped my mood greatly. And that I got to spend the evening with my mom and good friends. And that I didn't have to go the Justin Bieber concert with my girls and The Dude.

(It was The Dude's idea...and I already had plans. I cannot tell you just how glad I was that I had plans. Although, if I'm being honest with myself, I wish I could've seen the look on Ramona's face. The Dude said she was so cute.)

This morning, the girls both had soccer games...and both were really tough games. Ramona played goalie for the first half of her game (nerve-wracking) and then Beezus has a game where the other team was out of control. REFERRED TO BEEZUS AS A WH0RE. This is after two of their girls got yellow-carded for arguing with the referee. And we heard a few parents from the other team LAUGH.

It was stupid. But I'm so glad that Beezus didn't even care. She played hard soccer...fouled one of the girls who was being difficult...and kept it on the field.

BUT? Both of my girls won their tough games. And I am proud of them.

And now I feel it super appropriate that we go out for tacos for lunch.

Since I feel like I should list out my itinerary, you should know that after TACOS we will cheer on our favorite flag-football player...and then cheer on our favorite GIANTS.

It's gonna be a great rest of the day.

Have a great weekend, everyone!!

Fear the Beard

2010-10-19T16:56:00.001-07:00

I really love it when the Giants win.

It reminds me of my family. My brother and sisters especially. (That includes a certain sister in-law and cousin in-law as well.)

I don’t have high expectations. I’m just enjoying how much fun this is.

And then, for good measure…here’s a cute kid I got to see this weekend, posing with her Aunties.

I like her lots. And lots.

I realize that has nothing to do with the Giants, (I’m even wearing a Sharks hat, sorry) but you should know about these things.

(Go Giants!)

if I make the words LOOK exciting...maybe they are?!

2010-10-18T17:09:00.001-07:00

Healthy Schmelthy Mumbo Jumbo

2010-10-08T14:56:00.001-07:00

So I’m sitting here, eating my yellow curry and rice…and I have this “moment.” It wasn’t really because of the curry. Although, don’t get me wrong, it was rather delicious…but it didn’t cause my epiphany.

But let me back up.

About a year ago, I started to get fed up with my “out-of-whack” body. Everything seemed to be off or out of balance. There were health issues or concerns. I had a stress fracture just starting to heal. Headaches and other bothersome issues. And then there was my stress levels. Ick. I’ve added other health issues or concerns to my list over the past several months. I saw my doctors and specialists. They helped in some ways…but not in others. Prescriptions that were prescribed sometimes just stayed at the pharmacy. It felt like they were just trying to solve one piece of the puzzle. And that one medicine on that one prescription didn’t feel like the solution. Not that I disagreed with their knowledge or experience, I just agreed with my knowledge about my body more. I was listening. Maybe for the first time. I just had a hard time accepting that my headaches weren’t caused by something. Or the heart palpitations. Or the various other things. The doctors wanted to treat my symptoms. I wanted to know the cause.

It was through conversations with friends and family, especially a couple people I’m really close to at work, my interest in seeing an acupuncturist began. It took me about a year to actually take the first step, but I finally did about three weeks ago. I’m not going to tell you that in my First! Visit! I! Was! Healed! Hallelujah! It is absolutely not like that. What I will tell you is that I immediately felt like I was in the right place. I’m glad I waited as long as I did. Because I think my timing on being ready to make this change was key.

I realize this could probably sound hokey to many people. It sounds a little hokey to me. Except, here’s where I’m okay sounding hokey: I feel like it’s working.

At my last doctor’s appointment a couple of months ago, I left with a prescription in my hands and a very sad and discouraged feeling. (Okay, that’s a lie…the prescription was sent electronically to the pharmacy, but work with me people.) Its not that I felt my doctor was wrong. I just really felt like I needed to see the whole picture.

Today, I left my third acupuncture appointment in as many weeks feeling like I had, with a partnership of Western and Eastern medicines, absolute control over the way my body was feeling. I was actively participating in bringing my body back in balance and feeling better.

I feel a little silly writing this. But as I was sitting here eating the delicious yellow curry, my mind reflected back to the way I’ve been able to feel all day. I like that feeling.

It is several steps in a really good and healthy direction.

Win.

Just Do It

2010-10-07T13:39:00.000-07:00

Everything you need is already inside.

Courage.

~ Nike

Two For Today...For a Laugh

2010-09-23T14:55:00.000-07:00

Okay…I’m so grateful to Hannah that this could make me laugh today.

This is very nearly the story of my child and her extra tooth…and the hilarity of surgery. Or something.

I didn’t take her to a public place.

I did take her picture several days later. I can’t even show you that because she’d kill me dead.

It might be comparable to this:

Bless her heart.

She healed and feels better. And wants that In n Out Burger I promised here as soon as she could bite into it. She got a little lippy about it the other day. Or cheeky. (ha!)

I might’ve snapped at her because of a cleanse I happened to be on at the time.

(Don’t give me that look. I keep getting that look from people when they find out I did a cleanse.)

Anyway…I’m done with the cleanse. But it feels so counterintuitive to eat a hamburger now. Wrong, even. I only feel a little bit bad that I haven’t made good on the promise yet.

I mean, at least I didn’t make her go to Jack in the Box right after her surgery. Just sayin’